Imaginary
by Grinning Purple Cheshire Cat
Summary: --COMPLETE-- A bitter bitter sweet tale inspired by five select Evanescence songs - my first crack at a tragedy, please RR
1. Imaginary

A/N: I'm baaack! .:watches everyone run away:. ^^; Erm...well, I *tried* to take a break from In A Heartbeat by writing a Harry Potter and a Lizzie McGuire slash fic, but really, it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do! My hand kept wanting to write "Val" and "Tyler"... pretty soon all the margens of my papers were covered in "Jamie"s and "Caitie"s and "In a Heartbeat Rocks" (As well as Melodie and Jeff Davis((from Whose Line is it Anyway and On the Spot)) surrounded by little hearts ;) ) And let me say that I'm finally glad I'm writing an In A Heartbeat fic again ^_^ Anyway, this song fic will consist of five Evanescence songs I thought told a pretty offsetting and bitter bitter romance (like you want more romance)/angst/drama story. Since my HTML files won't work still for whatever reason, this fic may be a little hard to understand without the italicized song lyrics, but I'll try to separate them from the actual story as best as I can. Anyway, please R/R  
  
*  
  
"I linger in the door way  
  
Of alarm clock screaming  
  
Monsters calling my name"  
  
Caitie moaned, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes and pressing the snooze button on her buzzing alarm clock. It was an early Monday morning. Four o'clock in the morning, to be exact. She always got up that early, way before her father, because the sooner she could wake up and get dressed and such, the sooner she could get to school. Not that she liked school. No, she hated it with a passion and thought it a pointless waste of time. But, if she was at school, she could not be at home, and at home was where her abusive dad was.  
  
She rolled out of bed and walked over to the window, looking down at the quiet street below.  
  
"Let me stay  
  
Where the wind will whisper to me  
  
Where the raindrops  
  
As they're falling tell a story"  
  
The sky was still dark, but Caitie liked it that way. She was nocturnal. The serenity the night time brought had a calming and almost supernatural effect on her. She would have liked nothing more than to live in a land where it was night all the time, where she could sleep outside in the warm air, beneath the twinkling stars, with no one but her boyfriend, Jamie, by her side, free from all the stresses of society, away from her violent father, all the ridiculing teachers and students at school...  
  
"In my field of paper flowers  
  
And candy clouds of lullaby  
  
I lie inside myself for hours  
  
And watch my purple sky fly over me"  
  
She wondered where her mother was, if she was enjoying life without her husband, without her daughter. If only she had taken her with her, that night she left...  
  
Before she knew it, a half an hour had gone by. She hadn't meant to be day dreaming that long. She couldn't waste time if she wanted to make it out of the house before her dad woke up. She quickly changed into a pair of kahkis and a red and black T-shirt, grabbed her school bag, and tip toed down stairs.  
  
Fishing in the back of the kitchen cabinet, she pulled out a poptart and stuffed it into her pocket. She wasn't hungry now, but she could save it for later. She zipped up her school bag and slung it over her shoulder. She was ready. But before she could make it out the door, she heard a sound behind her.  
  
"And where do you think you're going?"  
  
"Don't say I'm out of touch  
  
With this rampant chaos - Your reality  
  
I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge  
  
The nightmare I build my own world to escape"  
  
Caitie's heart skipped a beat as, trembling, she slowly turned around. "Uh...Dad..." she stammered in both surprise and dismay.  
  
"Don't 'Dad' me," he snorted, walking down the rest of the stairs, reaching into the refridgerator, and pulling out a bottle of beer. He popped off the top and took a long swig before speaking again. "I know where you were going." Caitie didn't say anything as her dad smirked. "You were going to have sex, weren't you?"  
  
She choked. "What?" Then again, she should have expected something like that from him. More than likely he was probably drunk.  
  
"That's right, you were off to meet some guy somewhere and get laid." He took another drink. "Is that what it takes to get you up in the morning?" He laughed at his own joke and shook his head. "Slut."  
  
Caitie felt herself bristle with anger. "That's not true, I'm not YOU!"  
  
"Oh ho, getting fiesty, are we?" He took five long strides across the kitchen until he was standing within six feet of his daughter. In one quick motion he lashed out, striking Caitie across her right cheek with the back of his hand.  
  
She yelped and lept back a step, clutching her stinging face.  
  
Her father laughed, a low, raspy noise. "Not so tough, are we now?" He finished drinking the beer, then smashed the bottle against the side of the table, right next to Caitie. She inhaled sharply and ran around her dad to the middle of the kitchen, dodging the flying pieces of broken glass. Her actions only brought more twisted amusement to her dad, however.  
  
"Please," Caitie panted, her heart hammering in her chest. "Please, let me go."  
  
"Aha ha ha! What on earth are you talking about? I ain't hanging on to you."  
  
"Then...then I can leave?" She asked, skeptically.  
  
He snorted. "Why should I care? It's no skin off my back if you get knocked up."  
  
She took a hesitant step forward, eyeing him warilly, but her father only crossed his arms over his chest, watching her closely. He was standing between her and the door. If only she had run backwards instead of forwards! She took a step to his left, expecting to walk around him, but he copied her movement, once again standing in front of her. "Please!" she pleaded, but he only shrugged innocently.  
  
"Go ahead, don't let me stop you."  
  
Never taking her eyes off him, she tried stepping to his right, but yet again he followed her suit and did the same. Ok, so he obviously wasn't going to let her go willingly. So, taking a deep breath, she feigned a jump left, and when he moved to block her, she ran. She made it out the door, but not without recieving a painful blow from the broken bottleneck her dad still clutched in his fist.  
  
She staggered backwards into the street, rubbing the side of her head where she had been hit. She looked down at her fingers and wasn't surprized to see that they glistened with warm, sticky blood. "I hate you!" She yeleld to her dad's sillouette still visible in the glass door. "Hear that? I hate you!" Even though she knew he really couldn't care less, it felt good to say it, and with that, she started running.  
  
"In my field of paper flowers  
  
And candy clouds of lullaby  
  
I lie inside myself for hours  
  
And watch my purple sky fly over me"  
  
She ran to the school, which was her original intent anyway, where she could sit and brood under the bleachers for a few hours before class.  
  
She reached the football field and made her way behind the stands, taking a seat in her favourite dark corner. Her head had stopped bleeding, it had been a shallow cut, thank goodness, and she used the back of her hand to rub away the last of the blood. She unzipped her school back and pulled out her compact to see just how bad the wound looked. By the light of the sun which was just peeping out over the horizon, she checked her reflection in the mirror. "Oh, God," she muttered. While the cut was barely noticeable, the flesh around her eye was becoming swollen and turning purple. Obviously the bottle neck had hit her closer to her eye than she had realized. She tried covering it up with make up, but it didn't completely hide it, leaving it still bruitally noticable.  
  
She went back to staring at her reflection, then broke down into tears.  
  
"Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming  
  
Cannot cease for the fear of silent nights  
  
Oh how I long for the deep sleep dreaming  
  
The goddess of imaginary light"  
  
"Why?" She sobbed to herself. "Why me? Why does this always have to happen to ME?! What have I ever done to deserve this?" She rubbed the tears out of her eyes, though they were quickly replaced by more. "I hate the world!" She yelled. "I hate my dad! I hate my life! I hate ME!" She slammed her fist down on her school bag. *I just wish I was dead!* she thought bitterly to herself. "Yes, that's right," she repeated out loud. "I just want to die."  
  
"In my field of paper flowers  
  
and candy clouds of lullaby  
  
I lie inside myself for hours  
  
and watch my purple sky fly over me" 


	2. Hello

A/N: Here's chapter two...this one goes along with the song "Hello." And thankies a bunch to Iliana (Luvcarter) who liked my fics so much she decided to IM me :D Made my day ^_^ And just in case anyone was wondering (or worrying about), no chapters of this fic will go along with "Bring Me To Life." ^^; As much as I luv Evanescence, I do admit that that song is too over played ^^; but they're coming out with a new single, "Going Under" so can't wait for that ^-^ anyway, on to the fic...  
  
*  
  
*  
  
*  
  
"Playground school bell rings again  
  
Rain clouds come to play again"  
  
*  
  
Caitie sighed, brushing a tear from her cheek as she continued to stare off into space. She wasn't sure how long she had been there. The past events with her father had left her so emotionally drained, her brain refused to focus on anything. She just sat there, her eyes glazed over, thinking about...nothing. She hadn't realized just how much time had passed until the ringing of the school bell dragged her out of her trance. Glancing down at her wrist watch, she was surprised to see it was already eight o'clock; school was starting.  
  
She quickly began shoving things back into her black school bag. She had just lost track of the hours...but when her hand came to rest on her compact, all the memories came flooding back. Memories of her dad and the broken beer bottle, getting hit trying to run out of the house, the pain, the blood, her reflection, and her tender black eye...  
  
*  
  
"Has no one told you she's not breathing?"  
  
*  
  
"Maybe I was just...overreacting," she told herself. "I'm sure it's not really as bad as I'm imagining it." She flipped open the compact and looked int he mirror again. Well, she was right. It wasn't as bad as she had thought. It was worse. The swelling had increased and the skin had turned a dark reddish purple, beyond the help of make up. She couldn't stand to look at it any longer and bitterly snapped it shut, angrilly throwing it back down on the ground and running her fingers through her dark hair in frustration. She couldn't go to school like this. She didn't need the taunting, pointing, or gossipping she was sure to get from her classmates.  
  
Or the pity. She didn't want anybody feeling sorry for her. Not Val, not Jamie, no one.  
  
*  
  
"Hello, I'm your mind  
  
Giving you someone to talk to  
  
Hello"  
  
*  
  
This was her first wound that couldn't be covered by a cleverly placed piece of clothing. There was no way to hide it. Jamie was the only one she had told about her problem; he understood it. But Val... "Val just doesn't get it," she said out loud to herself. "She'll make me go to the police, or talk to a councelor, or call one of those abused child hotlines...Can't she see if I tell anyone the beatings will only get worse?" She sighed and shook her head. No, she would just skip school for the day. She could stay under the bleachers unnoticed at least till sixth period when the football team and cheerleaders came out to practice. She wasn't sure where she'd go then, but she decided she'd cross that bridge when she came to it.  
  
Suddenly..."Hmm?" Caitie looked up at the distinct sound of crunching gravel; footsteps. Sure enough, the unmistakeable Jamie Waite had just turned the corner and was making his way towards her. He wasn't close enough to see her tears or her black eye yet, but if she didn't do something quick, he would.  
  
"No, no, he can't see me like this!" she muttered as her hands dove into her school bag. Sure, she had told Jamie that her father got quite violent at times...just not that it happened nearly every other day. She didn't want his pity, she could take care of herself. "C'mon, c'mon!" she urged herself as she dug through her bag. Her things spilled out all over the ground as she frantically searched for something, anything! "Aha!" Finally, at the very bottom of the bag, she found a pair of dark sunglasses. The frame was a little bent, but that didn't matter. She hurriedly fit them on, then curled up in her spot, hugging her knees to her chest and resting her chin on top of them. His footsteps grew closer and closer until they stopped next to her.  
  
"Hey, hun," he spoke. "Thought I'd find you here."  
  
*  
  
"If I smile and don't believe  
  
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream"  
  
*  
  
Caitie forced a smile, "Oh, hi, Jamie."  
  
"You do realize school's already started, right? You ditching today?"  
  
"Yeah," she nodded, looking up at him. She could barely see in the shadows with the sunglasses on, but she could just make out his smiling face, spikey brown hair, and signature leather jacket.  
  
He blinked in surprise at the out-of-place glasses. "Um...what's with the shades? New fasion statement? Or did you just become blind?" He laughed a little and sat down in front of her.  
  
Silently shaking her head and biting her lower lip, she removed them and looked back up expectantly at him.  
  
His confused smile instantly faded and he cringed, his eyes darting around restlessly, not sure where to look. "Your...your dad?" he asked, timidly. She nodded. "Well...at least it wasn't a four year old girl, right?" He smiled uncertainly.  
  
She tried to laugh, but it came out more like a whining moan as she faught desparately to keep the tears her eyes sparkled with down.  
  
Jamie ran his tongue over his dry lips. "...You gonna be Ok?"  
  
She nodded again, then leaned forward and wrapped her arms around his neck as she started crying again. "I love you, Jamie," she sobbed as he hugged her back.  
  
"Shh, it's Ok," he soothed, slightly rocking back and forth with her. "I love you too. Everything's going to be alright."  
  
*  
  
"Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken  
  
Hello, I'm the lie living for you so you can hide  
  
Don't cry"  
  
*  
  
"But it's not Ok," she objected. "He scares me to death, Jamie! I'm afraid he'll get so drunk one night he'll...he'll try raping me, or...or worse...!"  
  
"Well why do you stick around and allow him to do it?" he eclaimed, pulling her away and forcing her to look at him. "Why don't you just leave? Like your mom? Stay at Val's house, or Brianne's, or...or mine-"  
  
"I can't do that! HE'LL call the cops on ME. There are laws against minors running away-"  
  
"Not *abused* minors, Caitie! Wha't HE'S doing is wrong! WHY won't you tell anyone?"  
  
"If I do, do you know what he'll do to me?!"  
  
"*Show* someone your eye! Whatever marks he leaves on you!"  
  
"No, no, I can't! He'll come after me, I swear!"  
  
"Caitie..."  
  
"Nobody will believe me, anyway. To everyone else my father is a respectible chief of police who, although he's no longer married, still 'loves his daughter very much.' If I tell, he'll just say I got it at school and I was just making the story up to get back at him for...not letting me go to a concert or something. You know they'll believe him over me in a heartbeat. I mean, why wouldn't they? He's the *cheif of police* and I'm...me. My criminal record's not much better than your's...they'll judge my word on that, you know they will, Jamie."  
  
He sighed reluctantly. Though he hated to admit it, she was right. Caitie's dad acted like nothing less than a gentleman in front of everyone else. No one else was aware he had a drinking problem or needed anger management classes. Even the few times Jamie had seen him, he had been nice and polite. If Caitie hadn't showed him her past bruises, he probably wouldn't have believed it himself. A cop's word over a rebellious goth girl's would seem the obvious choice at first glance.  
  
"You understand now?" she asked.  
  
He smiled half-heartedly as he pulled her back into a hug. "Life sucks, doesn't it?"  
  
"Yes," she sighed, leaning closer to him as he lightly ran his fingers up and down her back. "I guess death is the only way out of it..."  
  
She felt him stiffen suddenly beneath her as once again he pulled away, holding her out at arms length, his hands tightly gripping her shoulders almost painfully. "Caitie...Caitie, please...don't say that..."  
  
"Why not? It's true, isn't it? Sometimes I wish I was dead. A lot of the time, actually..."  
  
"No, please, Caitie!" He sounded scared. "Don't go suicidal on me. It's not worth it, killing yourself for him. You still have friends; Val, Brianne, Jake, Karen...and you'll always have *me*, right?" He smiled hopefully, anxiously.  
  
Caitie only looked down at her hands fiddling restlessly in her lap.  
  
"Please," Jamie pleaded. "Promise me you'll never look to suicide!"  
  
She didn't answer. She couldn't *promise*...  
  
"Please, Caitie," he repeated, planting a small kiss on her pink lips. "I don't want to lose you.  
  
She forced a weak smile and slightly nodded. The only reason Jamie could talk so optimistically, so "life is always better than death," is because he had no idea what she was going through. He came from a happy family, with an older brother and a younger sister, his parents still married...He just didn't understand. She sniffled and sat back, shrugging off Jamie's touch and mentally threatening him to change the subject. She just wanted to forget about it, concentrate on something else.  
  
He seemed to have gotten the hint through her death stares and finally said, "So, how long are you planning on staying here?"  
  
She shrugged. "Till sixth period, I guess, when I'm bound to be discovered by those stupid bubble-headed cheerleaders if I stick around. By then it'll be nearly two, and my dad leaves for work at two-thirty, so I'll just find somewhere to chill for a half hour, then I can have the house to myself. It all works."  
  
He seemed amused with her logic as he leaned back, propping himself up with his arms. "So you just gonna sit here and do nothing?"  
  
"Well, I have a deck of cards, if you'd fancy a game of poker."  
  
"Deal me in," he grinned.  
  
She pulled the deck out from the front pocket of her school bag and began shuffling it. As she was doing so, a strand of her long, dark hair strayed in her face. She casually made a move to brush it away, forgetting about her eye. Just the slight touch of her fingers to the tender, swollen skin was enough to send a sudden electrical shock of pain through her body. She inhaled sharply and winced, once again recalling that morning's events, her father's snide remarks, violent actions...the broken bottleneck...  
  
No, Jamie didn't understand it at all.  
  
*  
  
"Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping  
  
Hello, I'm still here  
  
All that's left of yesterday..." 


	3. Whisper

AN: Thanks a bunch to everyone who has reviewed this fic! ^-^ you all rock :D And I'm sorry there was some sort of error with FF.net, and when I posted the second chap it kind of overwrote the first one o.O But I fixed that now, so sorry if it confused anyone. Anyway, this chapter goes along with the song "Whisper." Enjoy :P  
  
*  
  
*  
  
*  
  
"Catch me as I fall  
  
Say you're here and it's all over now"  
  
*  
  
"Thanks for hanging with me," Caitie smiled, waving at Jamie who was straddling his motorcycle at the end of her driveway. "And thanks for the ride." Just before sixth period, the two of them left the bleachers and cruised around the town for a bit on his bike before Jamie gave her a ride home.  
  
"No problem," he answered as he watched her unlock the front door with her house keys. "You sure you're gonna be alright?"  
  
She looked back at him almost longingly. Half of her wanted to jump right back on that bike, wanted to forget about what she was about to do... "Positive," she nodded, boldly. "My dad's car's gone, he must have left for work by now, and he won't be back till late. Trust me, I'll be fine."  
  
"Ok, then," he said, backing his motorcycle out into the street. "I'll see you around..."  
  
"Um..." She almost said no, then decided against it. "Good-bye, Jamie," she finally called as he kicked the start peddle. He waved as he sped out of sight. "Good-bye, Jamie," she whispered again to herself, sighing and walking back into her house.  
  
*  
  
"Speaking to the atmosphere  
  
No one's here and I fall into myself"  
  
*  
  
She looked around the house, taking it all in one last time, before slipping out of her shoes and taking the stairs two steps at a time. She reached the top and turned left, heading for her father's bathroom. When she opened the door, she nearly gagged. She was met with the overpowering combined odors of human sweat, old liquor, and a horrendiously potent cologne. She felt nautious walking in there, but she wouldn't be there for long. Digging though all his drawers for the one thing that could give her eternal happiness, freedom...she paused for a moment. Was all this really worth it? Leaving Jamie, Val, and all her other friends? But one look in the mirror easilly made up her mind. She couldn't imagine all the things her father could do to her in the two more years she would have to endure if she didn't. He could do a lot worse than a black eye, that was for sure.  
  
*  
  
"This truth drives me into madness  
  
I know I can stop the pain if I will it all away  
  
If I will it all away"  
  
*  
  
Yes, it would be well worth it. Finally, she found what she was looking for. A thin, sharp razor blade. She looked it over somewhat in awe. It was fairly small, yet at the same time, deadly. She smiled. She liked that thought. Tiny, but also powerful; capable of taking a human life.  
  
"Well, this is it," she shrugged, hopelessly. "I can finally be...happy." She closed all the drawers and flicked off the lights. She couldn't do it there, the smell was starting to get to her. She considered her bathroom, where her blood could be easilly and cleanly contained in the shower, then wondered why on earth she was worrying about staining anything. Why should she care? She was leaving and never coming back! She would never have to live in this God foresaken house again! It didn't matter where she did it, she might as well be comfortable.  
  
She did think about doing it, out of spite, in her dad's room, leaving him a nice mess to clean up, but since his room was filled with the same poignant odor as the bathroom she was in, she ultimately decided her bedroom would be best.  
  
Taking a last, determined glance at her miserable reflection, she nodded fairwell to herself, headed to her room, and flopped down on her bed.  
  
*  
  
"Don't turn away  
  
(Don't give into the pain)  
  
Don't try to hide  
  
(Though they're screaming your name)  
  
Don't close your eyes  
  
(God knows what lies behind them)  
  
Don't turn out the light  
  
(Never sleep never die)"  
  
*  
  
Holding the razor blade in her right hand, she looked down at her left wrist, trying to distinguish the blue veins through her pale flesh. They were a lot harder to see than the pictures in her school text book let on. Well, she had to start somewhere. Taking a deep breath, she ran the razor lightly over the skin of her arm. It was so sharp, it effortlessly made a shallow, painless cut. She smiled at the simplicity of it all. Yes, it would be easy, so easy...She did it again, pressing harder. This time there was a little bit of pain, but nothing intolerable as blood began to spout from her self-inflicted wound.  
  
*  
  
"I'm frightened by what I see  
  
But some how I know that there's much more to come"  
  
*  
  
The sight of the oozing, red liquid deterred her a little bit and suddenly made her dizzy and sick to her stomach. Taking another deep breath to steady herself, she prepared to make another laceration. Her hand was trembling slightly. Why was she shaking? She was going to a better place, a much better place. She had no reason to be nervous.  
  
She made a third, deeper cut, and watched as if in a trance as the two trickles of blood joined together and dripped silently down her palm.  
  
*  
  
"Immobilized by my fear  
  
And soon to be blinded by tears  
  
Oh, I can stop the pain if I will it all away  
  
If I will it all away"  
  
*  
  
She couldn't help herself. She blined and her once clear vision was suddenly misty and blurred. Tears streamed down her face, though they weren't tears of pain. They were tears of regret. Not regret that she was killing herself, but regret that her life had been so awful that she had to look to suicide as an escape from it all.  
  
*Briiiing*  
  
She looked up as the purple phone on her dresser rang loudly. "Nobody's home!" She shouted through her sobs at the offending noise. It rang two more times, then her voice, falsely sweet, sounded from the answering machine.  
  
"Hiya! You've reached the Roth family. Obviously, we're not home right now, but if you leave a message, we'll try to call you back shortly." Beep.  
  
Caitie was surprised to hear the familiar voice on the other end.  
  
"Hey, Caitie, it's me, Jamie. Look, if you're there please pick up." Pause. "Caitie, if you're there, please pick up. Caitie...!" He sounded desparate. "Caitie, please pick up! Please! Caitie!"  
  
"Stop! I'm not here! Leave me alone!" She yelled insanely, leaping up and ripping the plug out of the outlet. Jamie's voice stopped in mid pleading, but Caitie went on. "Go away! Leave me alone!" she continued screaming at the answering machine as though it could hear her. "You can't change my mind! Don't even try! I have to do this! I want to die! I NEED to DIE!"  
  
*  
  
"Don't turn away  
  
(Don't give into the pain)  
  
Don't try to hide  
  
(Though they're screaming your name)  
  
Don't close your eyes  
  
(God know what lies behind them)  
  
Don't turn out the light  
  
(Never sleep never die)"  
  
*  
  
She slashed vigerously at her wrists, creating slice after slice, till crimson red blood poured from every inch of her arms, turning everything it touched, her bedspread, her clothes, her carpet, the same bright colour. Over and over she cut and cut, each time pressing harder and harder, deeper and deeper...She was nw impervious to pain; none of it mattered anymore. Her emotional wounds hurt much more than any physical injuries ever could.  
  
Crying the hardest she had ever cried before, she fell to her knees on the floor, banging her fists angrilly against the side of the bed. "Good-bye!" she sobbed. "Good-bye, Jamie, good-bye, Val, good-bye EVERYONE!"  
  
She tried shakilly to stand up again, but her rapid loss of blood was making her very light-headed and she had to grab onto her bedpost to steady herself.  
  
"Huh?" She wasn't sure if it was just her semi-concious mind playing tricks on her, but she could have sworn she heard a door slam. Propping herself up on her bloody, mangled elbows, she struggled vainly to maintain her focus as she strained her hearing for any other unusual sounds.  
  
Sure enough, though her head swam in groggy images, she could just barely make out the sound of someone moving around downstairs. Soon, the voice of none other than Jamie Waite wafted up the stairs to her ears. "Caitie? Cai-tie?"  
  
It was Jamie. Jamie had come to save her. Because he cared for her. Too bad it was too late...  
  
*  
  
"Fallen angels at my feet  
  
Whispered voices at my ear  
  
Death before my eyes  
  
Lying next to me I fear  
  
She beckons me shall I give in  
  
Upon my end shall I begin  
  
Forsaking all I've fallen for  
  
I rise to meet the end" 


	4. My Last Breath

A/N: Yo, once again, thanks a bunch to everyone who has reviewed this ^__^ This chapter goes along with the song "My Last Breath." (My Last Breath, the Evanescence song, not "One Last Breath" by Creed ^^;) Enjoy :P I may have gotten a bit carried away with commas, but hey, it still works, right? ^^; Though I'd like to apologize beforehand for this chapter not being the best of my abilities ^^; I promise the next and last chapter will be well worth the suffering through this one :P  
  
*  
  
*  
  
*  
  
Caitie! Caitie! Had to find Caitie! Needed to hurry, hurry before it was too late...! Random words of urgency zipped through Jamie's mind as he searched all over her first floor for her. There was something about the way she had said good-bye before, along with their previous talk of suicide, that left him with the most uncomfortable feeling of uneasiness and dread...He had told himself she was smarter than that, she wouldn't kill herself, and had tried calling her, to hear her voice, to calm his nerves...but when she hadn't picked up, that had only made his anxiety worse. So he drove to her house. He just had to see her, had to make sure she was Ok...But she wasn't responding to his yells, and she wasn't anywhere downstairs...  
  
Upstairs.  
  
He raced to the staircase and nearly flew up it, his long strides taking them two at a time. He ran down the hall, checking every room he passed for any sign of his girlfriend. The office? No. The bathroom? No. Her dad's room? No, of course not. Only one room left at the end of the hall. Her's.  
  
He hurriedly flung open the door and nearly gagged at the sight that met him.  
  
There was Caitie. Lying on the floor. A spreading pool of blood soaking the beige berber carpet underneath her.  
  
"C-C-Caitie!" He stammered, a rock hard lump forming in his throat. He stood there, frozen with shock for a moment, then ran to her side.  
  
*  
  
"Hold on to me, Love  
  
You know I can't stay long  
  
All I wanted to say was I love you and I'm not afraid"  
  
*  
  
"Caitie! Wake up! Please, wake up!" he sobbed, his voice hoarse, as he stroked her forehead, lovingly.  
  
She caughed a little and moaned, moving slightly.  
  
Jamie's heartbeat quickened with hope. "Caitie!"  
  
"Jamie..." She spoke, weakly.  
  
"Caitie! What happened? What happened?!" He cried wildly, even though it was quite obvious. "Oh, Caitie! It was your dad, right? Your dad did this to you, didn't he? We can have him arrested! Please, tell me it was him! Please!" He didn't want to believe that his girlfriend wanted to leave him, wanted to leave everything...  
  
A feeble smile twisted the corners of her mouth up. "You know it wasn't him..."  
  
"Then why? Why?! Why?!" He kept repeating.  
  
But all she said was, "I love you."  
  
"If you love me then why are you leaving me?! Please, please, don't leave...!"  
  
"Come on, Jamie," Caitie croaked, exasperatedly, for an instant nearly sounding like her old self again. "You know I'm going to a much better place. You should be happy for me."  
  
"No, Caitie, you don't have to kill yourself! It's not worth it! I...the blood...we have to stop the bloodflow...you can still survive-"  
  
"No," she interrupted. "It's too late..."  
  
*  
  
"Can you hear me?  
  
Can you feel me in your arms?"  
  
*  
  
"No, no, Caitie! It's not too late! We...we can still save you..."  
  
"Jamie..." Her faint smile grew into a slightly larger, rueful one. He just didn't want to let go...She couldn't move any other part of her body, indeed she could feel nothing below her neck, save for a dull, throbbing pain in her arms, so she couldn't pull Jamie closer to her as she so badly wanted. But he seemed to be on the same wavelength as her and bent his head down to meet her's, kissing her deeply on her waiting, pink lips, sweet with the flavoured lipgloss she used, for what he desparately hoped wouldn't be the last time...  
  
*  
  
"Holding my last breath  
  
Safe inside myself  
  
Are all my thoughts of you  
  
Sweet raptured light  
  
It ends here tonight"  
  
*  
  
He quickly broke the kiss, gazed down at her for a second, then yanked the old, faded lavender blanket off her bed and began wrapping it tightly around her lacerated arms, trying to dam the bleeding.  
  
Caitie sighed to herself. She knew it was no use. The carpet and the clothes she was wearing were literally soaked with her burgandy blood, and her injuries were so deep, nearly too the bone...  
  
She watched Jamie through rapidly fogging eyes. She would miss him, that much was true...but she needed this like a malnourished dog needed food...She loved him to pieces, she really really did, but he was always going on about how he just wanted her to be happy, and this was the only way she could be just that...  
  
Happy.  
  
*  
  
"I'll miss the winter  
  
A world of fragile things  
  
Look for me in the white forest  
  
Hiding in a hollow tree  
  
(Come find me)"  
  
*  
  
"You're going to be Ok, Caitie, you're gonna be ok," he kept muttering to himself as he pulled the homemade tourniquet constrictingly around her arms and fished his cell phone out of his pocket. "I'm going to call the squad now," he said, more for his benifit than her's. "They'll come...they'll fix it. They'll fix everything..." He sounded like a scared child not wanting to believe his favourite toy was broken as his thumb clumsilly dialed the emergency number. "Come on, pick up!"  
  
"Hello?" Caitie could faintly make out Val's voice on the other end.  
  
"Val?"  
  
"Jamie?"  
  
"Val! Val! Oh God!" He didn't know where to start.  
  
"Jamie, calm down and tell me what's wrong." She sounded her usual preppy, happy-go-lucky self. Of course. Why shouldn't she? She didn't know.  
  
"Val...Val...get over here, get everyone over here, right now, hurry, please!"  
  
"Jamie," she laughed ignorantly at his panic. "First tell me where 'here' is."  
  
"Caitie's house."  
  
There was a pause from Val's line. "What happened?" She no longer sounded cheerful.  
  
"Just get over here." His voice was wavering dangerously. "Please, hurry!" A sob choked his throat, and, unable to talk anymore, he snapped his cell phone shut and threw it down almost angrilly, covering his eyes with his hands, his shoulders shaking violently.  
  
"Jamie..." Caitie didn't want her last memories of him to be consumed by sorrow and regret, but as soon as she spoke, he only started crying harder, and burried his face in her pale neck.  
  
"Please, don't die!" he wimpered, covering her hand with his and grasping it firmly. She wanted more than anything to squeeze his hand back, but all she could manage was a pitifully small twitch, his salty tears tickling her slightly as they rolled down her blood-flecked skin.  
  
*  
  
"I know you hear me  
  
I can taste it in your tears"  
  
*  
  
"Jamie, stop," she begged. Her vision was clouding up, like there was a fire and she was looking into a smoke-filled room.  
  
It wouldn't be long now...  
  
*  
  
"Holding my last breath  
  
Safe inside myself  
  
Are all my thoughts of you  
  
Sweet raptured light  
  
It ends here tonight"  
  
*  
  
The wail of sirens announced the arrival of the Kingsport Volunteer EMT squad.  
  
"I'll be right back," Jamie nodded as he lept to his feet and raced downstairs to let them in and alert them to Caitie's precarious position.  
  
Meanwhile, Caitie closed her eyes for the last time...  
  
"Upstairs, her room, hurry," Jamie motioned, carrying the difibrilator case as he briskly led the way.  
  
"Ok, Jamie, details," Val demanded. "How is Caitie bleeding to death?"  
  
"Suicide," was all he said as they entered her room.  
  
Val's hand immediately went to her mouth; fingers splayed out, unsure what to to. A shocked little gasp escaped her as she froze in the doorway, unable to tear her eyes away from the still form of her best friend's body.  
  
"Come on, Val," Tyler gently urged as he and Hank pushed past her, carrying the stretcher between them.  
  
"She's lost a lot of blood," Hank said doubtfully as he took the heartrate monitor from the still mortified Val and began rapidly hooking it up.  
  
"It'll be a miricle if she makes it out of this alive," Tyler spoke softly as the tiny box in Hank's hand began to beep out the heartbeats.  
  
Caitie wasn't dead yet, no. She was quite close, too weak to open her eyes anymore, and was losing conciousness fast, but all hope wasn't lost, not yet...  
  
Beep. A long pause. Beep. Another long pause.  
  
"Too slow," Hank shook his head. "Her heartbeat's too slow..."  
  
"Oh, God..." Val muttered whistfully, sinking to her knees. "Why...suicide...?"  
  
"It'll be Ok," Tyler tried to be optimistic. "All we have to do is hurry up and get her to the hospital, she'll be Ok." He untied the now sticky blood-drenched blanket from her still bleeding arms and redressed them with the more steril gause and other supplies from the first aid kit.  
  
"The heart rate's slowing down," Hank announced, alarmed. "Not enough blood to keep it beating..."  
  
"The stretcher, help me get her on the stretcher! Hurry up, we gotta get her out of here!" The two boys worked quickly to carefully lift her up and onto the orange board, but they weren't quick enough.  
  
"It...it stopped," Hank stammered in disbelief. "Her heartbeat stopped."  
  
"No pulse either," Tyler reported, two fingers resting on the curve of her neck.  
  
"No! Tyler, hook up the difibrilator!"  
  
Meanwhile, Val was sitting down in the corner, leaning against the wall and hugging her knees to her chest as she cried to herself. As for Jamie, he was nearly going insane. Since he wasn't on duty, he could do nothing more than stay out of the way and watch from the sidelines as his two friends did their best to save his girlfriend, no matter how much his body kept yelling at him to DO SOMETHING!  
  
"Clear!" Tyler shouted for the third time as Caitie's limp body jumped again with the shock of electricity. He checked her pulse again. "Still nothing. It's not working..."  
  
"...She's gone," Hank finished.  
  
A wailing cry escaped Val's throat as she bawled uncontrolably, but Jamie immediately jumped to his feet. "No! No! She can't be dead!"  
  
*  
  
"Closing your eyes to disappear  
  
You pray your dreams will leave you here  
  
But still you wake and know the truth  
  
No one's there"  
  
*  
  
"No! We can still save her! Her heart just stopped, this happens all the time, zap her again or something!"  
  
"Jamie...there's nothing more we can do..." Tyler said numbly as he slowly stood an dbacked up, putting a consoling arm around the histerical Val.  
  
"There's plenty we can do!" he objected. "C'mon, we gotta get her to the hospital-"  
  
"Jamie!" Hank pleaded for him to understand. "A hospital isn't going to do any more good than we already tried. She's dead, man. Look at all this blood. She lost too much. Even if we hooked her up to a blood IV in the ambulence, it wouldn't be enough. Dude...don't make this any harder than it already is..."  
  
"Oh, I get it," he snorted angrilly. "You just don't care, do you?! It's no skin off your back if she kills herself, right? So you're just going to take the easy way out and give up!" He stopped his grevious ranting when he felt Val's light touch on his shoulder.  
  
"You know that's not true. We all cared about Caitie. She was our friend, and we're all going to miss her." Her red, puffy eyes sparkled with tears of sincerity. "I realize this has to be an increadably difficult time for you...I mean, I know how much you loved her-"  
  
"No, you don't," he snapped, bitterly.  
  
Val shrugged tolerantly. "Ok, maybe I don't. But I imagine it was a lot. Still is. And I'm sorry, but..." Her voice cracked as she tried to stifle a sob. "But...she obviously didn't enjoy life here...felt she'd be better off like this..." She brushed away a tear that ambled lazilly down her rosy cheek. "And even though...even though we'll all miss her so much..." Sniffle. "Think about Caitie...This is what she wanted...At least she's finally...happy."  
  
Happy.  
  
That word burned a painful hole in the core of his heart. Oh, the irony that Caitie had gone through such lengths to reach eternal bliss, and in doing so had caused him so much anguish that he doubted he would ever be able to utter the word again.  
  
Everything was messed up.  
  
Caitie was dead.  
  
It was so hard to actually comprehend that she was gone. She was actually gone. For good. She was never coming back.  
  
"Please...let her go," Hank whispered. But Jamie wasn't so sure that was so easy.  
  
How could life ever be the same again?  
  
*  
  
"Say goodnight  
  
Don't be afraid  
  
Calling me, calling me as you fade to black" 


	5. My Immortal

A/N: Again, thanks a whole lot to everyone who has reviewed this, and everyone who will review this last chapter ^_^ you guys all rock! This chapter goes along with the song "My Immortal" (my personal favourite Evanescence song) I especially liked writing this one, since I got to think back and mention all my favourite memories of IAHB (though some are a little bit stretched...) ^_^ You'll see, just read away ^_^  
  
*  
  
*  
  
*  
  
Caitie was dead.  
  
Jamie still found it hard to believe, yet at the same time, he was so sick of hearing it. It had been five days since the horrible event happened, and since then it seemed that was all anyone could talk about. He was getting fairly annoyed with hearing largely exaggerated stories of her suicide transfigure more and more each time it left someone's mouth. He was tired of getting sympathetic glances from every single persoon he passed in the hallways and in his classes. And most of all he hated the question he was asked at least twenty times a day.  
  
"Are you alright?"  
  
He was a rebel, he was tough. He didn't need anybody worrying about him, feeling sorry for him...  
  
He was far from being "alright," but he didn't want anybody's pity.  
  
*  
  
"I'm so tired of being here  
  
Suppressed by all my childish fears"  
  
*  
  
Jamie looked up at the wrought-iron sign of the Kingsport Cemetary. He was there.  
  
He quietly hobbled off his motorcycle and kicked the kickstand down, careful not to crush the beautiful violet lilly he had brought with him; the third one he had brought for Caitie since her burial, and would continue leaving a single one on her grave everyday till they were once again united.  
  
He paused for a moment to take in the wonderfully sweet smell of the flower's lightly fragrant petals, then proceeded to push open the creeky, rusted gate.  
  
He headed towards the far right corner where Caitie was. Her dark granite tombstone stuck out like a sore thumb, its polished, shiny surface not yet weathered by the wind. He silently made his way to it, crossing in and out between the older graves, the dismal air the place radiated with succeeding in drugging him into a groggy, spaced out mood.  
  
Kneeling down next to his girlfriend's side, he gingerly laid the flower at the base of the headstone, atop the loose soil that gave away her recient burial, not yet covered in bright green *living* grass. His hand hovered there for a moment, then retreated back to the warmth and comfort of his leather jacket's pocket as he stared down at the fragile looking plant, lost in thought.  
  
*  
  
"And if you have to leave  
  
I wish that you would just leave  
  
But your prescence still lingers here  
  
And it won't leave me alone"  
  
*  
  
Half of Jamie wanted to leave right then as he felt white hot tears prickle his eyes, but something held him there. "Caitie..." he whispered, his fingers suddenly tracing the shape of her name etched into the sculpted block of granite in its fancy, cursive script.  
  
Caitlin Michelle Roth  
  
1987 - 2003  
  
"The world was not worthy enough for someone as beautiful as you"  
  
She was only sixteen! She was too young to die! Too young...  
  
Oh, how Jamie wished to death that this could all be a nightmare! One he'd wake up from scared, but a dream none the less! Every day at school he half expected to find her waving at him from her usual seat at the back of their geometry classroom, and bitterly longed to see her playful smile once again greeting him by his locker, waiting for a quick kiss as the too of them headed to their first class together...  
  
But she never came. She couldn't. She was dead.  
  
*  
  
"These wounds won't seem to heal  
  
This pain is just too real  
  
There's just too much that time cannot erase"  
  
*  
  
"Caitie...!" He could no longer hold back his sobs. His hands slowly clenched into fists as tears slid down his cheeks, screaming silently as they fell down to earth, leaving miniscule speckles of dark brown on the dirt where they landed.  
  
*  
  
"When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
  
When you screamed I'd fight away all of your fears  
  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
  
And you still have  
  
All of me"  
  
*  
  
Why? Why suicide? Of all the ways to go...suicide at sixteen. So what if she was having a bad childhood, if her dad got a little violent occasionally? She only had to last a little less than two more years! Two years and she would have been eighteen, a legal adult. She could have moved out, leaving her father and her old house as just horrors of her past. They could have gone to college together, could have even gotten married...  
  
But none of that was going to happen.  
  
Not now.  
  
*  
  
"You used to captivate me  
  
By your resonating light  
  
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind"  
  
*  
  
He missed Caitie. Every ounce of his entire soul ached with excruciating longing, just to see her again, to touch her, to hug her...He needed her. He needed her long, dark hair. He needed her usual black outfits, cleverly put together. He needed her gothic poetry, so gloomy and depressing, about being alone, misunderstood, hurting, some even about suicide. He remembered the last two lines of her latest one.  
  
Fight fire with fire  
  
Bring pain to end the pain  
  
Just a few days ago, Jamie would have just considered them emotionless musings, nothing Caitie would adheire to. When she wrote about suicide and death, he only thought she was trying to live up to the gothic stereotype. Never would she ever consider killing herself.  
  
But she had.  
  
*  
  
"Your face, it haunts my once pleasant dreams  
  
Your voice, it chased away all the sanity in me"  
  
*  
  
And then there were the dreams. Oh, the horrible, horrible dreams.  
  
No, not dreams. Nightmares. Twisted nightmares of a hiddeously morbid unreality.  
  
Everytime he closed his eyes at night, he was met witht he same grisly images of torture. Each time it was the same scenario. Caitie was being killed and only he could save her. The methods of murder changed in each one; once she was being burned, then stabbed, drowned, poisoned, hung...And in each one, no matter how much he tried to hurry, he always reached her one second too late, and was forced to hear her bloodcurling scream as...  
  
*  
  
"These wounds won't seem to heal  
  
This pain is just too real  
  
There's just too much that time cannot erase"  
  
*  
  
He wanted the dreams to stop. They were emotionally draining him. From the moment he woke up in the morning, the memories of Caitie's deaths so vividly conjured up from his imagination was enough to ruin his whole day. It made him feel sick to his stomach, nauseous...He hadn't smiled in five whole days.  
  
He doubted he would ever smile again.  
  
*  
  
"When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
  
When you screamed I'd fight away all of your fears  
  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
  
You still have  
  
All of me"  
  
*  
  
His mind drifted away, his eyes no longer looking at Caitie's grave, but at the new image recalled forth from time.  
  
It was that fateful Monday morning again. As usual, he had found Caitie sitting under the school bleachers. He remembered when she showed him her black eye, then so casually mentioned suicide. He wasn't sure if she had been serious or not, but she didn't bring it up again as they went through four rounds of Poker, Black Jack, and Speed. Then, tiring of card games, Caitie pulled out her all-sacred poetry book. Said she wanted to show him a few new ones, wanted to know what he thought.  
  
When he read them, he felt a numb sense of shock and uneasiness. The graphic details seemed so disturbingly real...one poem was about suffocation, another about overdosing, and the third on razors, but the thing they all had in common was they were all about a bitter, rejected girl whose live was so screwed up, she considered death to be the only answer to it all.  
  
Basically, they were about Caitie.  
  
The bitter, rejected girl she always wrote about was herself. Her poetry had been a cry for help and if he hadn't been over his head in denial, he could have recognized it, helped her...saved her. It was his fault Caitie had died. He could have stopped her.  
  
She had hinted all this time and he had been so blind, he had failed to see her now obvious intent that had been staring him in the face since day one!  
  
*  
  
"I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone  
  
But though you're still with me  
  
I've been alone, all alone"  
  
*  
  
"It's my fault!" he spoke aloud through ragged sobs. "I could have done something!" He pinched his eyes shut with his thumb and forefinger, still muttering, "I could have done SOMETHING! But I got my punishment, didn't I? I had to sit and watch her die right in front of me! In my arms...!" His fists pounded the ground underneath him.  
  
He needed to forget about Caitie's gruesome suicide, needed to get over it and move on, but how could he do that when his entire mind was plagued with visions of her, each one sending a fresh wave of nausea, guilt and sorrow over his already weary body?  
  
His cries of anguish were nearly choking the life out of him as he gasped for breath inbetween sobs. But the more he tried to stop thinking about it, the more he inevitably did, until his entire body was writhing with the anguish of the memories as they all came flooding back.  
  
FLASH  
  
He and Caitie were in detention together, commiserating about the injustice of the school system.  
  
FLASH  
  
He and Caitie were on the room of the EMS building, throwing expired IV bags over the edge and watching as they made that satisfying splat as they burst on the ground.  
  
FLASH  
  
He and Caitie were going to Homecoming together to make fun of the jocks and over achievers, Caitie dressed as a football player, he as a cheerleader.  
  
FLASH  
  
He had just convinced Caitie that her preppy boyfriend was just using her to freak his parents out and the two of them were now plotting a way to get back at him.  
  
FLASH  
  
Caitie had gone to the motocross track where the squad was working, looking for him, though she wasn't aware he was riding at the time and yelped in surprise as he drove up behind her and hugged her.  
  
FLASH  
  
He and Caitie were sitting on the bleachers after school, and after her failed sit-in against the principal. They had been fighting over their friend, Brianne's, huffing addiction the whole day, but as a peace offering, Caitie had apologized and given him a framed flyer from her protest with the words "To Jamie, Always, Caitie" written on it, all the i's dotted with little hearts. He had kissed her in return and told her all was forgiven. Actually, that had been their first real kiss...  
  
FLASH  
  
He and Caitie were walking down the school hallway to their first hour class, Caitie trying to talk him into getting his nose pierced.  
  
FLASH  
  
He was on his motorcycle, Caitie sitting behind him, her arms wrapped tightly around his middle, her head resting against his back...  
  
"No! No! Stop!" Jamie shouted, jamming his fingers into his ears (as though that would stop the thoughts in his head) and falling forward onto his elbows, his forehead brushing the ground. "Please! Stop! Leave me alone! Just leave me alone!"  
  
*  
  
"When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
  
When you screamed I'd fight away all of your fears  
  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
  
And you still have  
  
All of me"  
  
*  
  
He vaguely recalled what Val had said at Caitie's funeral, about not having to be sad, or miss her, because she would always be with us in our hearts.  
  
Well, Val was stupid.  
  
He should be sad. He should miss her. Caitie wasn't "with us in our hearts," she was gone, for good. He would never see her alive again.  
  
What hurt the most was that he had never properly said good-bye. She had died while the EMT squad had been trying to save her, during which he had been so overcome with grief, words were far beyond his capabilities. Of course, the visitation was supposed to be when everyone said their fairwells, but Jamie thought they were dumb. You didn't say "so long" to someone an hour and a half after they left, did you? Well, Caitie was already dead. It was too late.  
  
It was too late for anything.  
  
He had loved her. She had been the one for him, he was sure of it. Never again would he be able to so much as look at another girl, not in a million years. He was destined to be miserable for the rest of his life...  
  
That's when the most obvious solution popped into his head.  
  
He would never again see Caitie alive. But there was still one way, the *only* way, to be with her again.  
  
Fumbling in his pocket for a piece of paper and a pen, he hurriedly scribbled a fairwell note to his family.  
  
This was how it had to be. This was how it was *meant* to be.  
  
And, smiling for the first time in five days, he gathered his things, whispered "See you soon, babe," to himself, then hurried off to leave this world the same way Caitie had.  
  
*  
  
~Finé 


End file.
